How To Take Over The World

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. As you know, you were called to this meeting to go over the plans to take over the world. Please finish your prune Danish and let’s go over everything that we need to accomplish in order to achieve our goal.

“As you can see from the material supplied, our first problem is to set up an organization that can control the minds of the people from birth to death. This organization cannot be setup through force of arms, but must be with the complete agreement of the populace. It must be so ingrained into the minds of men that anyone who dares to question it will look insane. And we will, in fact, label them as such.

“Step one: Deny the existence of the soul and covertly infer that anyone who believes in a soul has something wrong with their mind. We can even make it a mental disorder. Yes, that’s a good idea. All in favor? Good! Rachel, make a note that belief in a soul is a mental disorder.

“Step two: Set ourselves up as the experts on the mind. I know, we haven’t a clue as to what the mind is, but we can make the subject so confusing that nobody can question us. Use big four-dollar words. Write large textbooks. Confuse them with smoke and mirrors. And most of all, NEVER LET YOURSELF BE PUT IN A POSITION WHERE THEY EXPECT YOU TO PROVE ANYTHING. That will be our undoing!

“Step three: And this is one of the most important steps—A smart populace is a dangerous populace! We must dumb them down to a level where they won’t even know we’re changing the laws right under their noses. This step has two parts. 1)—Get into the school system so we can influence them before they’ve learned to think. Since we’re the experts on the mind (chuckle) all public school teachers need to be trained by us. All curriculums need to be shifted away from academics. We must convince them that competition is bad, that there is no right and wrong. Nobody likes to be wrong, so that won’t be hard. We’ll just play on their sympathies. Convince them that marking someone wrong on a test hurts his self-esteem.

“Anyone that stands out as a future leader or rabble rouser must be looked on as someone with a mental disorder that needs to be treated with medication. Standards must be lowered so that no one’s feelings are hurt.

“2)—Get them all hooked on drugs. People on drugs are easy to manipulate. That’s key! We need to get them all convinced that they have mental problems—then we will be the ones to treat them. As a side note, we don’t have to wait until they’re in school to start them on drugs. No. New studies have shown that even infants get depressed. I know. I wrote the study myself (crowd laughter).

“The next step, Step 4, (and this is also a crucial step) is to infiltrate their religions. This is a real balancing act. We need to convince the priests, ministers and rabbis that they should study us. But we have to be very careful that they don’t find out we think man is just a soulless animal. It’s a real balancing act.

“In fact there should be some kind of law that anyone confessing suicidal thoughts to his priest has to be referred to one of us. (Rachel, make a note of that. Good idea, good idea.) Which brings us to the next step on the program: Step five—Politics.
“As experts on the mind, we will be in a position to have politicians, their children and their spouses as our patients. Imagine the things we’ll hear! Government secrets and plots, who’s sleeping with who, who is having sex with children, who’s got problems with alcohol. THIS, my friends, is the Mental Health Mother Lode!

“Imagine the power we can wield knowing the innermost private thoughts and secrets of the most powerful people on the planet! Then we can implement Step six—Legislation.
“With our newly-won power we can influence the laws of the land to our liking. We can write laws that will grant us even more power. Laws that insist people get screened for mental illness early on whether they like it or not. Laws that will grant us unprecedented control over people’s lives. The mentally ill (which is everybody, of course) will lose the rights we all take for granted. No judge, no jury. Who’s going to listen to them? They’re crazy! (Mad laughing from the crowd).

“Anybody who disagrees—poof! Disappears into a mental institution forever. And with all the drugs pumped into their bodies, they’ll look crazy as loons! God, I love this job!
“One last thing before we end off for some fine cheesecake. We must align ourselves with the drug companies. They are our friends. And they’re just itching to get into the game. We’ll invent the disease, they’ll invent the drug to cure it. And they have BILLIONS of dollars. You know what that means. No problem buying all the magazine ads, TV spots and politicians we need to brainwash the public.

“And like those great men of history—Hitler and Napoleon—our greatest protection will be the fact that it’s all too incredible to be believed! Our campaign will be so effective that if anybody dares to criticize us they will be immediately considered nuts by the puplic. It’s brilliant! Now, let’s go get some cheesecake.”